Stupid Pets

An article I read recently on the futility of owning a monkey as a pet reminded me of some of the stupider pets I have encountered through the years. Allow me to briefly relate a few of them.

The first example of stupid pets would be the baby alligators that one of my friends would bring back from visits to Florida. He was still a fairly young boy when his family would allow him to do this, and a tragedy was doubtlessly prevented by the alligator’s inability to adapt to the climate of western Pennsylvania. The was because his “pet” would always wind up biting him. Fortunately, the alligator would usually expire before getting large enough to do any damage, but the last gator he owned proved hardier than the rest, and was able to give him a nasty nip one day. After this final, very painful bite, the “alligator as pet” concept was dropped, for the benefit of both humans and alligators.

Another example of a poor pet is a large parrot. I have two women friends who once owned parrots, and both had chunks taken out of their upper lip while the bird was “playing” with them. Additionally, one of the parrot’s chewed a large hole in the drywall of my friend’s kitchen. Leave the parrots to the pirates!

Raccoons are not good pets. One of my childhood friends tried to raise a baby raccoon. It was cute and friendly, until it grew up. Then it became downright vicious! His Dad “disposed” of it; we never asked for details.

The final, stupidest pet had to be the monkey owned by one of the families in my neighborhood. It was kept in a cage, and it was male. (This is significant, as you’ll see!) The monkey was never very friendly, so when folks asked to see it, most were told, “No.” However, if someone was being a pain, or was just a jerk in general, then they would be taken to view the monkey. This was because the monkey inevitably responded to strangers by …… peeing on them!

So now you know … if invited to see someone’s monkey, be very wary!